Chris Heward: Late and Indecisive?

Have been meaning to write for ages. Anyway...

A couple of thoughts about my shortcomings, which have come to light once again in the last 24 hours.

My first is about not making decisions. Whilst this is often motivated from not wanting to make bad choices, I do still have to make them from time to time and hope they are the best. After finding out my housemate had planned a birthday trip to Komedia, to see Russell Howard in action, I was pretty slow off the mark. At first I wasn't sure if I'd be around, but even after that there was still time for me to book. But a few days later I found out the Cabaret section (where he and mates were sitting) was fully booked. DOH! After confirming this, and once finding out that others were going to sit in the balcony, I decided to go anyway, and then, having walked past the store earlier today and deciding to book online, about 2 hours ago I found out that now ALL the tickets have gone. DOUBLE DOH!

My second is my lateness. I don't know whether it's because people are becoming more comfortable with me, or just because it's now been going on for so long, but increasingly people have been commenting on my lateness. Then, yesterday, I met up with someone who I hadn't seen for a while, who's living on the streets. I said that if he called me later on I could check bus/train times online and maybe help him out with a ticket (as he had said he wanted to go away for a few weeks). In the intervening period I decided it was probably best for him not to keep travelling, as he said (similarly to a few ocassions previous) that he'd go away for a few weeks and then settle down in Bath, and I figured some time he had to stop doing this. He was OK with this on the phone, but I offered instead to see if I had an old phone at home I could give him to keep in touch. All I had to do was go home and then go down the soup run, some time between 7 and 7:30. Arriving at 7:34, with no phone (it was in Worthing), he had already gone. 

This guy had a pretty low self-esteem and I was the only person he really trusted. I hung around in town looking for him for a few hours, and a bit this morning too, but to no avail. He may well have moved on. And in a way I feel as though I must too, and hope he comes back, and that he forgives me, and doesn't see this as a rejection of him.

The annoying thing is, if I had only got there when I said I would, if I had only got there 5 minutes earlier, none of this would have happened.

When am I going to sort myself out?

Song for Tim

So hear we go - humour is the order of the day. But so too is love. And so I thought I'd share with you this song that I wrote for my housemate Tim a couple of months back when I saw him studying in level three of the library as I was on my way to the toilet. It was such a pleasant surprise that I almost fell over the cleaner's bin. For those of you not in the know, it's based on a song entitled 'Beautiful Girl', by 'Flight of the Conchords'. Enjoy...

Looking round house,
I can tell that you
Are the most intelligent guy in the... downstairs bedroom.
In the downstairs bedroom.
Oooh.

And when you're in the lounge,
If Karen's not around,
I bet you are definitely in the top three
Bestest of mates in the lounge
(If there's no Soph)

And when I saw you in the library
I thought what...is...he...doing...
On Level 3
How did we get a genius like that to a library like this -
Good one Bath!!!
Ohhhh what a uni, Bath!

I asked the librarian if she's going to make a move on you,
She's not sure,
I said "lady do you mind if I do?".
She says she doesn't mind
but I can tell she kinda minds
but I'm gonna do it anyway.

I see you sitting all alone sitting in silent mode
I dim the noise down very low, here we go
You're so intelligent
You could be a historian
You're so intelligent
You could be a physicist in the US
You're so intelligent
You could be a part...time...economist

And then to seal the deal
I do my maths,
I do my A-level maths

It's twelve oh two
Just me and you
And seven other dudes
Around you in the silent study

I draw you near
Let's get outta here.
Let's get on Al's scooter
I'll move the wireless router!

Now I can't believe
That I'm sharing my internet with the most intelligent guy I have ever seen
With a router
Ooooooohhh.

Why don't we leave?
Let's go to my house and we can foos each other up on the table
Oh no. I don't mind taking it slow-ho-ho, no-ho-ho, yeah (10-1).

Cause you're so intelligent
Like a TV
Or a high-class dolphin
You're so intelligent
Mmm, you could be a part-time economist.

But you'd probably have to keep your auditing job -
A part-time economist!
Spending part of your time, modelling (econometrics),
and part of your time, next to meeeeeeeeee!

My kitchen is usually tidier than this...

Hello 2009

Not bad so far. Already gone for a jog and 20 (yes, twenty) push-ups, not to mention 20 (yes, again, twenty) sit-up-like things. 2009 is the year I get fit.

The plan is for a mental/physical/spiritual/emotional work out every morning.

Do a bit of Sudoku, a jog, do some praying and read a bit of the Bible, then maybe watch some Hollyoaks and experience a whole range of emotions (apathy, anger, bewilderment, disgust, indifference, amusement, despair, happiness (when it finishes)). Whether I can manage to do them all simultaneously is a big challenge but I'm willing to give it a go.

One of my New Year's resolutions is to blog about some more upbeat things as well as all the lovely deep stuff I've previously talked about. Don't worry, however - even though you may think from the beginning of this post that I'm going to go all "Today I ate a cheesy toastie - it was nice. Then I watched a DVD." on you, I won't; it will still be high-quality content.

Happy New Year to you, one and all.

Goodbye 2008

When, on the 19th of September, I said that later that week I'd take a look back at the previous year, I didn't think it'd take quite this long. I would do it all in a post now, but it'd be super long, plus I guess I should do some socialising on New Year's Eve(!). Instead here are some headings, which I will elaborate on more in the next month or so (probably after my exams have finished!), that will provide some thoughts about what I've done, thought, said and been in 2008 (and cheekily some of 2007 as well...).

Things I've done

• Had my first 'proper' job
• Met a multitude of people
• Made a difference in many individual's lives
• Spent a ridiculous amount of time on the BBC Football website, even though I don't really care about football anymore
• Been deeply impacted by a lot of people
• Thought about reading a lot of books, and read none of them
• Successfully 'got over' TV and gaming (now for the internet...)
• Made some great friends

Things I've realised

• I have a lot of potential
• 'If you're good enough you're old enough'
• I worry a lot about a lot of things
• There are quite a lot of Christians out there, and there's an awful lot of theology
• I shouldn't constantly weigh others down with ALL my concerns
• God makes the big things clear
• There's a lot more to this world than we think
• It is very easy to make a difference in other people's lives
• I need to judge other people less
• I'm actually doing a pretty good job with my life
• The world is very broken
• God doesn't require that my theology has got it all nailed
• I do need to chill out from time to time (it's called a Sabbath)
• I'm loved by a lot of people
• Google is amazing
• I love a lot of people
• I need to find my identity in Christ, and not in what other people think of me, and how they act towards me
• Blogging can be good fun, and you can have some interesting things to say (sometimes)

Messages at Christmas Time

I figured I'd check out what our head of state had to say on Christmas Day and it was all quite nice, but maybe too nice. In this year's message, a more sombre mood was conveyed, to be expected given the credit crunch and all has come with it. She spoke of how through the years those that have been happiest are those "who have lived the most outgoing and unselfish lives; the kind of people who are generous with their talents or their time". The speech meanders on a bit, lots of things that perhaps you'd expect, and then she 'drops the J-bomb', as my housemate Al has so beautifully put it in the past:

"I hope that, like me, you will be comforted by the example of Jesus of Nazareth who, often in circumstances of great adversity, managed to live an outgoing, unselfish and sacrificial life. Countless millions of people around the world continue to celebrate his birthday at Christmas, inspired by his teaching."

I can't help but think it all sounds a bit 'PC'. Hopefully she mentions Him because she wants to, because she follows Him and trusts in Him. But there must be some rule or some person that is saying "No, you'll sound a bit weird, so tone it down. Make him out to be a good teacher or something, but nothing more."

What was very interesting was to see the Alternative Christmas Message, which was shown on Channel 4, controversially delivered by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran. It was actually quite refreshing to hear how he spoke. To hear a man speak so openly, with conviction, unashamedly, about God, was something that we in Britain can only dream of. Of course there are major concerns about whether he practices what he preaches in this message, and I disagree about who he believes Jesus is, but a lot of what he says I believe to be true. Only when this country, and the rest of the world, turns back to God will it start to see real solutions. There's no promise for our lives to be problem free, but be living in step with God we learn to be dependent on Him, not on our own wealth, to hunger after a deeper sense of meaning, not a larger house, and we'll be fighting to see his Kingdom come to earth, not just defending our own particular 'kingdom'.

But it does remind me of a video I came across last year of the Queen's first ever televised speech, broadcast in 1957. This has been a long post, so I won't comment any more, but I'll leave you with an almost prophetic quote from her speech:

"That it is possible for some of you to see me today is just another example of the speed at which things are changing all around us. Because of these changes I am not surprised that many people feel lost and unable to decide what to hold on to and what to discard. How to take advantage of the new life without losing the best of the old.

But it is not the new inventions which are the difficulty. The trouble is caused by unthinking people who carelessly throw away ageless ideals as if they were old and outworn machinery.

They would have religion thrown aside, morality in personal and public life made meaningless, honesty counted as foolishness and self-interest set up in place of self-restraint.

At this critical moment in our history we will certainly lose the trust and respect of the world if we just abandon those fundamental principles which guided the men and women who built the greatness of this country and Commonwealth.

Today we need a special kind of courage, not the kind needed in battle but a kind which makes us stand up for everything that we know is right, everything that is true and honest. We need the kind of courage that can withstand the subtle corruption of the cynics so that we can show the world that we are not afraid of the future."

Joy at Christmas

Getting old really does change your view of Christmas. Gone are the days of going to bed in anticipation of the stocking, of the presents, of Christmas lunch and of seeing loads of family. The magic of the stocking has gone, no-one seems to give you presents once you get to 21, family members have spouses and other places to be, plus because your sister goes to Florida with her boyfriend and his family you end up having your Christmas meal on Christmas Eve and eating Chinese for lunch on Christmas day. Things just aren't quite the same.

I now have a deeper appreciation of the meaning of Christmas (thanks in part to Dan Golding's epic text message), but even that isn't too special as it's more of a year-round thing for me. TV lost it's appeal long ago, lack of practice means my sister's guitar is joyless, and there's only so many sweets I can eat when I'm not even hungry. For the first time this break revision was actually pretty appealing. It's not that it's been a bad day by any means, it's just, well, different. I remember leaving my cousin's house last year - with the massive family in a massive house with a massive TV and a massive quantity of food - and the lyrics 'There Must Be More Than This' came into my head. And I couldn't really think of a better way to put it to be honest.

But it's in this mediocrity that I've seen how other people have faced their Christmases. I heard from one friend who received nothing, said that their dad was going to take the presents they gave him to a charity shop, and had the first meeting with their mother in many many months cancelled at the last minute. I read a blog entry about a guy I used to know really well, who when I left London was recovering from alcoholism, but now is a complete mess. Another guy I knew from London, whom I saw only last week in his nice new apartment, was in immense physical pain as we spoke on the phone today, him sitting alone in his apartment and telling me not to ask the obvious festive question as the answer would be that he wasn't. Finally I think too of the guy from my Church who I had lunch with the other day, whose wife has extremely severe cancer, meaning they face the pain of great uncertainty of what is going on, where it will will lead and what it will be like.

And it makes me realise, I take so much for granted.

The dream is not over

An interesting talk at the CU (Christian Union) meeting last night.

The key phrase from the speaker for me was that "When the President is dead, the dream is over", in reference to figures such as JFK, and also the hysteria being whipped up for Obama - the dreams these candidates can create. His suggestion was that the disciples would have felt this for themselves as Jesus, their Messiah, was crucified and in the days that followed - he was not who he said he was; the dream was over.

I thank God that he is not dead, that the dream is alive, and that the dream is a guaranteed reality.