Explaining why I'm so bad at getting on with things...

Interesting article on the BBC website about why we spend so much time searching the internet, checking our emails and, I guess you can add, looking up election results.

"At distraction's heart aren't silicon chips, but an unwillingness to confront very human issues: pain, boredom, anxiety." Pretty deep, but probably pretty correct too.

A new beginning

So...

I have no internet, my laptop is broken, and I'm just getting into the swing of living in Leeds, and all this has combined to mean I've not done any blog posts for over a month now...

Hopefully you'll have seen the big banner at the top of my blog with a link to a website about my gap year in Leeds, which has lots of info about what I'm doing and why. Hopefully as I get internet and a computer that works, I'll be able to keep people updated through this blog, as well as providing general thoughts, etc. that arise throughout the year. There's lots of challenging teaching I'll be picking up, plus in the everyday of doing this and that God is always speaking to me (and all of us), and new challenges are constantly arising, so I'm sure I'll have lots of things buzzing through my mind. I'll try to be selective with what I post!

Going against the grain

It was interesting to read about Shane Supple, who has decided to quit professional football at the age of 22, by the sounds of it because he was bored of it. My initial reaction, and I'm sure everyone else's, is to think "What?!?". Being paid a ridiculous amount of money (as he probably was if he was in the first-team squad for a Championship side) to do what a lot of people do for fun, with many opportunities ahead of him, seems like a dream come true. And I guess that's what people think looking in from the outside. However, as Shane himself said, "As you grow up you realise there are other things in life and to be honest, the game is not what I thought it was."

It seems that maybe life isn't just about football, but there's more to it than that. Maybe we should take a leaf out of Shane's book and, rather than just carry on doing what's expected of us, get on with finding out what it's actually all about, whatever that may cost. "People probably think I'm crazy but I'm not going to stay in the game for anyone else, I'm making this decision for myself."

What's your type?

There are some pretty useless Facebook applications out there ('which New Testament character are you?', 'send your friend a magic hug' and something about making a farm and taking pictures and that), but occasionally I've stumbled across some interesting and professionally-made apps that are enjoyable to explore. One such application is 'My Type Personality' (type that into the Facebook search box and you can find it), which I completed about a year ago.

It is based around the Myers-Briggs personality tests, which use a series of questions to determine what you are classed as in four different categories. Are you introverted or extroverted, intuitive or sensing, thinking or feeling, judging or perceiving? Given the different combinations these create, there are 16 different personality types, and these come with a description of what the characteristics of such an individual would be. This application also provides comparisons with other personality types, to suggest what kind of relationships you will most likely have with those individuals. The descriptions are surprisingly accurate, and it is a lot of fun to see how it comes out, so I'd encourage you to take the test and see what it says.

To whet your appetite, here's what it said about me. I think it's quite accurate - what do you reckon?

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The Innovator

Extroverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving (ENTP)

Creative, resourceful, and intellectually quick. Good at a broad range of things. Enjoy debating issues, and may be into one-up-manship. They get very excited about new ideas and projects, but may neglect the more routine aspects of life. Generally outspoken and assertive. They enjoy people and are stimulating company. Excellent ability to understand concepts and apply logic to find solutions.

Typically good-natured, upbeat and laid-back, ENTPs can be delightful people to be around. They get a lot of enjoyment and satisfaction from interacting with others, and especially enjoy discussing and debating theories and concepts which interest them. They may be prone to initiate arguments because they so enjoy the debate. They are generally fun-loving and gregarious, and can be quite charming. They have a problem with sometimes neglecting their close relationships when they become involved in the pursuit of a new idea or plan.

ENTP Strengths

● Enthusiastic, upbeat, and popular - Much more than I used to be.

● Can be very charming - I think I've spent too much time round older ladies at church...

● Excellent communication skills - I've been known to deliver a mean presentation when needed (as long as I don't mumble).

● Extremely interested in self-improvement and growth in their relationships - I am very self-aware and actively encourage people to give me constructive criticism.

● Laid-back and flexible, usually easy to get along with - I think I tend to try to see the best in others, particularly those I don't know too well.

● Big idea-people, always working on a grand scheme or idea - in the space of about three years I've gone from having no idea, to not being able to sleep without spending half an hour redesigning a building or town or inventing something-or-other.

● Usually good at making money, although not so good at managing it - Ha, not sure about making it, but I've still got bills I owe from 18 months ago, so pretty accurate.

● Take their commitments and relationships very seriously - I'd like to think so, although doesn't stop me being late - I never miss them at least (unless people get fed up of waiting)!

● Able to move on with their lives after leaving a relationship - way too easily (well, if we mean friendships).

ENTP Weaknesses

● Always excited by anything new, they may change partners frequently - this website is definitely tapping into the online dating market! I don't change partners frequently (I don't have one to change....). Definitely excited by new things though.

● Tendency to not follow through on their plans and ideas - Not enough time to...

● Their love of debate may cause them to provoke arguments - Ha, yeah, that might just about be me...

● Big risk-takers and big spenders, not usually good at managing money - See comment in strengths - on the plus side, when I eventually ask housemates for money it means they give me a lot...

Skating on thin ice

My friend Steve recently made a post about faith, and this reminded me of an illustration I heard a while ago.

Imagine two people, out in the middle of winter, who come to two different lakes, both of which have frozen over. One is apprehensive, and edges out, slowly, but surely, steadying themselves, and forever aware of the ice, ready to get off if it starts to crack. The other is care-free, sprinting out to the middle of the lake, jumping, rolling, and having a great time, with no thought for the potentially-fragile ice sheet below him. Unfortunately for the second guy, the ice is very thin, and begins to crack. Fearless, and trusting that the ice would hold his weight, he is now in extreme danger and the ice soon gives way, and the man is left stranded, without a hope. Meanwhile the other guy, after a while, becomes more confident. As he tests the ice out, he learns that it is solid, that it holds his weight, and knowing this, he trusts it will hold. He runs, he jumps, he skates and dances and does whatever comes to mind, trusting, with good reason, that the ice beneath his feet is solid and won't let him down.

Hopefully you see the parallel, but it's important to say that everyone has their faith in something, whether it be money, a house, a job, family, friends, whatever, and in many circumstances and to varying degrees, this is a good thing - we need to trust to live in community and to plan for the future. But they will all fail at some point, none of them are perfect. We can't even put complete faith in ourselves, as one day we will die and our bodies betray us. For the people whose faith is built on that and nothing less, they will be left exposed when all is said and done. But I believe that God is solid, will bear us up, and is worthy to be trusted.

But this is the other important point. The main thing isn't how strong your faith is. It can be really weak, you can be crawling, on your knees, but if you put your faith in the right thing, then that is what matters. As our faith grows and we learn to trust more, we can move with more freedom, enjoy it more, and learn, receive and give much more, living life to the full, as it was intended to be.

So first and foremost, it's far more important what your faith is in than how strong your faith is, but secondly, once we've found something we can trust in forevermore, we should seek to have a deeper faith, to grow, and to be safe in the knowledge of eternity assured, forever, in paradise.

Goodbye...

I found this today when clearing out some old computer games. I think I printed it out when I found it on the net, at a guess around 2001/2? Anyway, just to confirm, I didn't write it, although at the time I remember thinking I felt the same, but wasn't strong enough to take the same bold step. We did eventually make the split, and it was definitely for the best - life has certainly changed for the better. There will, though, always be a special place in my heart for it.

As you read this I will have already gone. I’m sorry, but I just don’t think we can carry on the way we are. This may come as a surprise to you, as I know we’ve been getting on well, but we have to stop this. Now. You’ve been a big part of my life for a long time, and you have no idea how long I’ve thought about this. It’s been playing on my mind for months and months. It’s hard to explain exactly why I feel the way I do. All I know is that we have to move on.

Oh we’ve had good times. Plenty of them. That time we won the Champions League with Gillingham, the 67th minute winner from Robbie Keane, I remember it vividly. Moore shoots! Frey parries it! It falls to Keane! Goal for Gillingham!!! Ah, the memories.. . but I mustn’t reminisce, they are only memories. Oh, but when I beat my mate Tom 2-0 in the FA Cup final. The look on his face! And when I spent a whole day with you, and we managed to complete the whole season (resulting in winning the domestic treble) in one day. And when you told me that the fans chanted my name after winning the UEFA Cup. And that magic comeback in the Second Division play-off final. And... and.. .oh I love you CM. Some of the most rewarding times of my life have been spent with you. I’m not denying that. It’s these good times that make it so hard for me to write what I’m going to. But it has to be done. It has to.

I mustn’t get caught up in the nostalgia. We’ve had some great times, sure. But we’ve had some bad times too. How about when we managed to get relegated from Division 1? How about when I was sacked after the first three games of the season, even though I had taken Gillingham from the Second Division to the Premiership? And how can we forget the crash of ‘98. I know you remember it too. Yes, corrupted save game file on the eve of the Champions League final. Leicester v. Lazio. We had just clinched the Premiership title, and had a full-strength side for the clash with the Italian giants. But it wasn’t to be. I didn’t see you for months after that! But eventually, as always, I came back. That’s another thing, why do you have to be so addictive? When we were seeing each other frequently, I almost entirely lost contact with my other friends. I’m sorry to bring them up, I know how you hate ‘others’, and that dreaded phrase: ‘social life’. Once upon a time, you had power over me; you began to persuade me to think like you do. I started to truly believe that going out was evil. Staying in with you was good. Looking back, maybe the crash of ‘98 was a good thing. If we hadn’t had that falling out, then who knows where I’d be? I could have no friends, no prospects, no life. You have to understand, you are not the only thing in life. I have other needs that you can’t fulfill. I need to eat, sleep, get exercise. Only now I realize that you used your charms to deprive me of my needs. You were bad for me, Champy, bad.

But why say this now? We’ve been together for over 5 years, why choose to bring all this up? Well, I’ll be brutally honest, I’m afraid that you just don’t satisfy me any more. Oh, it’s not your fault. But up to now I’ve been able to tolerate your flaws. Your possessiveness, your addictiveness, it’s been balanced out by the joy that we used to experience. But now it’s different. When I load you up I don’t feel the same sense of anticipation. When I score I don’t thrust my fist into the air. When I lose I don’t bury my head in my hands. I fear that we’ve been together for too long, and I’m getting, for want of a better word, bored. You’ve been the same for too long, and I need something new. I know how hard this must be for you. I know how hard you’ve tried to improve yourself. The player comparison, the attribute masking. You even went and got yourself a fancy DVD case. These revived us for a short time, but we both knew it was the same old you underneath. Everything around us was changing so rapidly. Ever heard of 3D graphics? Other games went and made themselves compatible with hardware. They took the leap into the unknown. You didn’t. You couldn’t. I can’t really complain, we used to be so happy. I asked myself, why fix something that wasn’t broke? Your inner beauty shone through the rough exterior, it blinded me. All I’m saying is that you were perfect at the time. 3D wouldn’t have suited you anyway. Text has always been your best format. And don’t say that you’ll change, you can’t. It pains me to say this, but you’ve been left behind, Champ. Surely you realize that we were only delaying the inevitable. The more time we spend together, the less excited I get. Everything is the same. Same interface, same engine, same system.

It’s not just this. The little things are starting to niggle at me now: the super-goalies, the last-minute goals, the absence of a decent manual, the lack of interaction. Before, I could tolerate it. I believed your excuses, “They don’t exist”, “They happen to Al managers as well”, “It isn’t needed”, “I’m not capable of doing that”. I just accepted them and played on, little did I know that you were fobbing me off every time. These little details just serve as a reminder to me that you’re just a game, and a flawed one at that. When you came into my life you blew me away. It was 1998, I was young. Your detail, your realism, your entertainment. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before. It put my previous love, CM2, to shame. But as the years have gone by I’ve moved on and so has technology. However you’ve remained the same old Champ. You’ve tried to keep up, but you can’t. I need more. I need to be able to really interact with my players, staff, and the media. I need to be able to see a visual representation of what my players are doing out there on the pitch. I need to be able to play with other people, on the Internet. Yes. People. Internet. Two words you hardly know the meaning of. You have to understand, this is what I need, and we both know that you can’t provide it any more. I need excitement. I need unpredictability.

Is there another game? No, of course not. You’ve always been the one for me, Champy. I’m not going to go off with the first game that flashes me a nice set of bump-mapped polygons. It’s what’s inside that counts. Up to now, you’ve proved this point. You’re so complex, so difficult to work out, and you’re the best there is. There is nothing out there that even gets near to you. You know this, I know this. After all these years, you are still the best, don’t ever forget that. I just need something new. There’s nothing around that can provide that at the moment, but I just have a feeling in my gut that there’s something around the corner. Something that can provide me with what I need. Something that can give me a brand new experience, something that can excite me the way you used back in the olden days. This game isn’t here yet, I don’t know when it will appear, but I know that at some point it will. And I know that it will satisfy me. I simply see no need in staying in relationship that has grown stale. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but we’ve been slowly growing further apart over the course of the last few years. I think it’s best if we can just cut our losses and move on.

I’ve been in limbo for a long time about this. You still provide the most enriching game experience in the world, and I love spending time with you. It’s just that this has been playing on my mind for so long. Having finally put it all down into words I feel almost cleansed. It’s as if the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel free. I’m so, so sorry to have to do this. But I feel that it’s the best for both of us. I’m hurting inside, and I’m sure you are too. However deep down, I know that you know I’m right. It’s just been the same old thing for much too long. To be honest, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to cope without you. I’m hoping for a clean break, but it’s never that simple, is it? I’ve met your family and get on with them well. Your Mum, SI. Your Dad, Eidos. We’re close, it’s going to be hard to cut them out from my life. I know I never really got on well with your little sister, CM Quiz, but she was special in her own little way. Such a simple child, yet still holds the trademark CM addictiveness. I’m sorry Champ, I feel so guilty. But it has to be a fresh start. A new era.

I hope with all my heart that we can remain friends. I’m sure that we’ll meet again in the future.

Stay strong,

Chris

xxx

I'd be intrigued as to whether 'Chris' returned to Champ once it got a 2D, and now 3D, engine, and also got hooked up with the internet. I guess we'll never know.

I'm starting with the man in the mirror

I've been on holiday in Newquay this week, and whilst we were there my friend Vicky played a piece of music that was as challenging as it was catchy, and the voice delivering it was instantly recognisable. Unaware of 'Man in the Mirror', it was great to hear it for the first time:

The (condensed) lyrics are:

I'm Gonna Make A Change,

For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right.

As I Turn Up The Collar On My Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind,
Pretending Not To See Their Needs?
A Summer's Disregard, A Broken Bottle Top And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere To Go.
That's Why I Want You To Know:

I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror.
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways.
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer.
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place,
Take A Look At Yourself, And Then Make A Change.

I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish Kind Of Love,
It's Time That I Realize,

That There Are Some With No Home, Not A Nickel To Loan.
Could It Be Really Me, Pretending That They're Not Alone?
A Willow Deeply Scarred,

Somebody's Broken Heart And A Washed-Out Dream.
They Follow The Pattern Of The Wind, Ya' See.
Cause They Got No Place To Be,
That's Why I'm Starting With Me.

I'm Gonna Make A Change
It's Gonna Feel Real Good!
Come On!
Just Lift Yourself You Know You've Got To Stop It Yourself!
I've Got To Make That Change, Today!
You Got To Not Let Yourself . . .
You Know-I've Got To Get That Man, That Man . . .
You've Got To Move! Come On! Come On!
You Got To . . .
Stand Up! Stand Up!
Stand Up!
Stand Up And Lift Yourself, Now!
Gonna Make That Change . . .
Come On!
You Know It!
Make That Change.

I don't know what Michael Jackson did during his life, but my sneaking suspicion is that a man who was abused by his father, thrust into the limelight at the age of six, under constant pressure to do better, to be who his family, producers, fans, and whoever else wanted him to be, is not going to live a happy and contented life. This man did not have a childhood. I doubt whether he ever felt truly loved. This song captures his simplistic, childlike ideals of wanting to make a change, wanting to see a better world; something crushed out of most people by the time they reach their 20s.

He named his house Neverland. He had a train, which he named after his mother. He had sleepovers with kids. He enjoyed going to the zoo and made friends with the animals. He made mistakes, often unaware of the dangers in life. He loved to sing and to make people happy. In other words, he was a 10-year old. I don't think (and whilst I've not got any real knowledge, it seems pretty obvious to me) there's anything more sinister to it than that (and apparently a mental health professional thought so too). Whilst I'm sure he was mainly trying to be nice, I believe that Reverend Al Sharpton was right when he said "There wasn't nothing strange about your daddy. What was strange was what your daddy had to deal with.".

And so, returning to the song - I want to see change. I want to see childlike dreams and ambitions realised, to see people imagining what the world could be like, not seeing the current limitations, and to just get on with it. And so for that to happen it's got to start somewhere, and it's gonna start with 'the man in the mirror'.

What makes a Christian weak or strong?

My friend Steve has posted something interesting about the Sabbath and how we observe it, and I had a chat with him the other week about it too. It has baffled me for a while as to why people seem to forget that commandment, but at the same time it's odd that whilst the Sabbath is the Saturday, we see it as Sunday - so can we see it as the same thing, or perhaps we should hold both of them?

This is an extended reply to his post, so have a look at his post first to see what he has written and the background to what was said at the Christian Union meeting to spark this.

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It's an interesting and important issue, but I think the main thing is that people give it due consideration, prayer and study of the Bible and choose something that is right in their conscience after this. I don't know what I feel entirely, given that I grew up with the same opinions, forced on me to some extent but also felt by me, and I still held these until probably 18 months ago and do to some degree now.

I think it is important to dedicate a day to God and to rest and to help others to rest too. I know it's not particularly British to help others and that we should all live as individuals and get on with our own lives, but I do feel a responsibility to help others lead a good life, and I believe others need rest too. Not many really want to work on a Sunday so is me going shopping really helping them if it increases demand and thus pressure from their employers to work? I had to work Sundays for a while when I really didn't want to, even though I got extra pay, but felt I had to in case I didn't look committed.

On the other hand I've had people come to Church who it would be great to have a chat with afterwards and make them feel welcome, and it may not be suitable or easy to invite them home, so as Wetherspoons is round the corner I can go there with them and buy them a drink or meal. This is vastly different to being so lazy and absent minded as to not buy food the previous day and prepare food then (although admitadely on said Sunday I was also in Sainsburys - my defence was the Summer Ball although it's not a great excuse!).

So I think the key things are these:

1) As it implies in Mark 2:23-27, I think you have to be pragmatic and do whatever you feels brings glory to God and is beneficial to those in need, without using it as an excuse.

2) Being weak and being strong is, I feel, about how you come to your decision rather than the decision itself.

I think legalism implies that you hold to your views because it's what your tradition is, perhaps passed down by your parents, or your Church, or assumed through a vary narrow and shallow reading of scripture. I think the contrasting view is not liberalism, but more to do with people who have studied scripture, gone deeper, and seen what is at the heart of the matter and made their decision based on this. Perhaps Paul has deemed that anyone who deeply studied the scriptures and who understood the gospel would come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter whether you eat meat, which I would say is accurate according to the Bible.

I think for John Risbridger to bring the Sunday thing in without a bit of explanation is a bit misleading, as it's by no means clear cut, in fact flicking through Romans, 14:5-6 seems to address this exact thing, and from my reading there isn't as clear a divide in Paul's mind with regards to this this issue as for vegetarianism. He seems to see the key part as each individual being "fully convinced in his own mind". It may even be that in different circumstances on different occasions that a different conclusion is reached on whether to buy, work, play, etc., as long as that decision is honourable and pleasing to God.

So I guess if you don't do things on Sundays because it's what you've been told to do I would see you as weak. However if you start buying things on Sunday (or more specifically if you refrain from having a separate day of rest for you and others) just because you find it easier not to, then you are just as weak, if not more so.

However, a 'strong' individual will study and pray and seek an answer which he can make with a clear conscience and about which he would be able to stand before God and not feel ashamed. Lets face it, there will probably be a lot of Sundays/Saturdays/Sabbaths before we die, God willing, so I think it is worth giving this a lot of thought and seeking God's will, and then putting that into action in how we live.

Why get baptised?

I'm getting baptised tomorrow and whilst it will be a great occasion, it's not something to be taken lightly. Through baptism I'm signalling that I have died to my old 'self' (a concept that was central to why I started this blog) and been reborn through the power of God to follow Christ and live my life as he would have me. I'll write in the next few days of my personal reasons for baptism, but this post, if a little long (it's worth it I promise...), should give some food for thought about the general role of baptism. I want it to be clear that I'm not doing this to be controversial in the Salvation Army (SA) (and indeed I believe a fair few people in the SA have been baptised), it is something I really feel I should do and want to do, but I do believe it raises important questions for the SA.

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The topic of baptism seems to raise so many dilemmas for different people and has caused a lot of division. In general, the Catholic and Anglican Churches seem to go for infant baptism (or Christening), whilst Baptists, Reformed and 'Free' Churches tend to go for adult ones. The logic for child baptism would seem to be that you wish to dedicate your child to God when they are young, and there could be arguably some backing for this in the Bible. Adult baptism seems more consistent and repeatedly implied throughout the New Testament (or more specifically those that are of an age to make their own conscious decision). The former also seem to go for drawing a cross on the forehead whilst the latter for full immersion (plunging the whole body into water).

The SA on the other hand don't do it at all (although are not, officially, against it). From what I have gleaned, the main reason for this seems to be that when the SA started (1865 in it's original form), it's membership drew from a variety of denominations, full of people who wanted to take the good news of Christ Jesus to those on the margins of society that had been forgotten by the wider Church. As there would have been disagreements amongst the members how baptism should be performed, this may have led to some friction, and so in 1883 William Booth wrote, suggesting: "is it not wise for us to postpone any settlement of the question, to leave it over to some future day, when we shall have more light, and see more clearly our way before us?" (see article mentioned in final paragraph). However, that day seems not to have arrived, or at least there seems to have been no point at which a serious, open discussion has occurred that has focused on Christ and put aside tradition and considered what is the best thing we can do as a movement, forgetting our pride and asking what is God's desire.

As you may well tell from how I write, and also given that I have made this decision, I feel baptism is right and is important. I feel glad to make this decision, and the fact I have come from this background has actually been extremely beneficial as I have been able to consider the special significance of baptism, rather than just seeing it as the natural 'next step'. I started seriously considering it maybe 18 months/2 years ago, challenged by how uni friends took it for granted and how I could really give no reason why I didn't, other than that it wasn't really the Salvation Army's thing. I couldn't really say the SA don't do symbolism, as they wear uniforms. Saying that we have 'Soldiership' which is equivalent almost seemed like I'd be saying "yeah I know Jesus made this suggestion but we've had a think and decided that William Booth's idea about the whole soldier thing just sounds a lot better". Again, it just seems like tradition getting in the way of the commands of God.

At the time of thinking this I was increasingly aware of the concept of Gnosticism which had invaded some parts of the early Church, where people thought the body was bad and the spirit good. This was rebuffed by early Christians who said that God made the whole human being good; spirit, soul AND body. I therefore figured that if God made us both spiritual and physical beings, then the things we relate with we look at in both a spiritual and physical context and meaning. Therefore it makes sense that we associate with some physical things in a spiritual way, sometimes in a bad way (idol worship, obsession around cars, money, etc.) but often in a good way (such as emotions experienced through photographs of people and places, or, for Christians, using the picture of the cross to help contemplate Christ). As God created us surely he knows we have these tendencies, and in fact wanted us to be like this, and so it seems logical that he would give us physical things to help us spiritually. He used the rainbow as a symbol of a promise, gave the Israelites the temple to symbolise the importance of God, and time and time again promise a sign to signify and confirm something spiritual. So it makes sense that when Christ wanted his followers to remember why he was to die he gave them the reminder of bread and wine, which was shown to be powerful in opening the followers eyes when they forgot that his death was planned. He also knew that people may judge Christians on their own works rather than what Christ has done, so by giving the sign of baptism they had something that was rooted in the death of Christ, rather than anything to do with human effort. Perhaps he knew that the SA would make uniforms for themselves and become soldiers, something that whilst obviously rooted in a decision to follow Christ, has so much more added to it and significance that is often more to do with the individual's actions than the work of God.

It was both a relief  (as it showed I wasn't crazy) but also a slight annoyance (that someone else had written something that I thought I was the first to think of) to read an article by Chick Yuill about this very topic and with similar explanation. A controversial figure in the SA, but someone who not only seems to have a solid grounding in the Bible but is also a very good speaker, Chick writes engagingly, and I encourage 'Salvationists' to read it through and seriously consider it (and have a look through the Rubicon website more generally), but others too should give it a read and maybe help them think afresh why it is that baptism is, and should be, held so dear.

Bradford and Leeds week - looking to next year

Straight from New Word Alive (see my other, ongoing posts), I arrived in Bradford late on Saturday and am here until Easter Sunday thinking and praying about what I'll be doing next year. One option I have is to do a course called Transform. This is run by a group of Christians, originally based in Leeds but since expanding to include Bradford. It consists of training on Mondays (theology and practical guidance such as time management), a 5-hour placement, a 15-hour placement and a part-time job.

My interview for it is on Thursday and in addition during this week I'm taking the chance to look at different places I could do some of my placements if I do the year.

I'm also looking into an organisation called Christians Against Poverty (CAP). CAP are a debt counselling service that also offer money management courses, and whilst centrally run from their offices in Bradford most of their direct work with the people in need is done in centres around the UK that are run by and partnered with local churches. They are an explicitly Christian group, partly given their name but also through the offering of prayer on their first meeting. There's no hidden agenda, nor any need for the service users to be Christian, it's just, well, if you have faith in Christ then it'd be a bit harsh to just help someone with their earthly debts and not tell them how they can sort out their spiritual debts and be set free!

CAP offer their own internship scheme, called Reach, which sees you working Monday to Thursday with on-the-job training, and then Fridays are set aside for management-based training. There are five streams (Client, Communications, Evangelism and Discipleship, IT, and Partnership) and each offers a different challenge and opportunity to help make a difference to many people's lives. Whatever happens, it's just great to find out more about the work they do.

I'll give some updates throughout the week about how things are getting on.

Chris Heward: Late and Indecisive?

Have been meaning to write for ages. Anyway...

A couple of thoughts about my shortcomings, which have come to light once again in the last 24 hours.

My first is about not making decisions. Whilst this is often motivated from not wanting to make bad choices, I do still have to make them from time to time and hope they are the best. After finding out my housemate had planned a birthday trip to Komedia, to see Russell Howard in action, I was pretty slow off the mark. At first I wasn't sure if I'd be around, but even after that there was still time for me to book. But a few days later I found out the Cabaret section (where he and mates were sitting) was fully booked. DOH! After confirming this, and once finding out that others were going to sit in the balcony, I decided to go anyway, and then, having walked past the store earlier today and deciding to book online, about 2 hours ago I found out that now ALL the tickets have gone. DOUBLE DOH!

My second is my lateness. I don't know whether it's because people are becoming more comfortable with me, or just because it's now been going on for so long, but increasingly people have been commenting on my lateness. Then, yesterday, I met up with someone who I hadn't seen for a while, who's living on the streets. I said that if he called me later on I could check bus/train times online and maybe help him out with a ticket (as he had said he wanted to go away for a few weeks). In the intervening period I decided it was probably best for him not to keep travelling, as he said (similarly to a few ocassions previous) that he'd go away for a few weeks and then settle down in Bath, and I figured some time he had to stop doing this. He was OK with this on the phone, but I offered instead to see if I had an old phone at home I could give him to keep in touch. All I had to do was go home and then go down the soup run, some time between 7 and 7:30. Arriving at 7:34, with no phone (it was in Worthing), he had already gone. 

This guy had a pretty low self-esteem and I was the only person he really trusted. I hung around in town looking for him for a few hours, and a bit this morning too, but to no avail. He may well have moved on. And in a way I feel as though I must too, and hope he comes back, and that he forgives me, and doesn't see this as a rejection of him.

The annoying thing is, if I had only got there when I said I would, if I had only got there 5 minutes earlier, none of this would have happened.

When am I going to sort myself out?

Hello 2009

Not bad so far. Already gone for a jog and 20 (yes, twenty) push-ups, not to mention 20 (yes, again, twenty) sit-up-like things. 2009 is the year I get fit.

The plan is for a mental/physical/spiritual/emotional work out every morning.

Do a bit of Sudoku, a jog, do some praying and read a bit of the Bible, then maybe watch some Hollyoaks and experience a whole range of emotions (apathy, anger, bewilderment, disgust, indifference, amusement, despair, happiness (when it finishes)). Whether I can manage to do them all simultaneously is a big challenge but I'm willing to give it a go.

One of my New Year's resolutions is to blog about some more upbeat things as well as all the lovely deep stuff I've previously talked about. Don't worry, however - even though you may think from the beginning of this post that I'm going to go all "Today I ate a cheesy toastie - it was nice. Then I watched a DVD." on you, I won't; it will still be high-quality content.

Happy New Year to you, one and all.

Goodbye 2008

When, on the 19th of September, I said that later that week I'd take a look back at the previous year, I didn't think it'd take quite this long. I would do it all in a post now, but it'd be super long, plus I guess I should do some socialising on New Year's Eve(!). Instead here are some headings, which I will elaborate on more in the next month or so (probably after my exams have finished!), that will provide some thoughts about what I've done, thought, said and been in 2008 (and cheekily some of 2007 as well...).

Things I've done

• Had my first 'proper' job
• Met a multitude of people
• Made a difference in many individual's lives
• Spent a ridiculous amount of time on the BBC Football website, even though I don't really care about football anymore
• Been deeply impacted by a lot of people
• Thought about reading a lot of books, and read none of them
• Successfully 'got over' TV and gaming (now for the internet...)
• Made some great friends

Things I've realised

• I have a lot of potential
• 'If you're good enough you're old enough'
• I worry a lot about a lot of things
• There are quite a lot of Christians out there, and there's an awful lot of theology
• I shouldn't constantly weigh others down with ALL my concerns
• God makes the big things clear
• There's a lot more to this world than we think
• It is very easy to make a difference in other people's lives
• I need to judge other people less
• I'm actually doing a pretty good job with my life
• The world is very broken
• God doesn't require that my theology has got it all nailed
• I do need to chill out from time to time (it's called a Sabbath)
• I'm loved by a lot of people
• Google is amazing
• I love a lot of people
• I need to find my identity in Christ, and not in what other people think of me, and how they act towards me
• Blogging can be good fun, and you can have some interesting things to say (sometimes)

Joy at Christmas

Getting old really does change your view of Christmas. Gone are the days of going to bed in anticipation of the stocking, of the presents, of Christmas lunch and of seeing loads of family. The magic of the stocking has gone, no-one seems to give you presents once you get to 21, family members have spouses and other places to be, plus because your sister goes to Florida with her boyfriend and his family you end up having your Christmas meal on Christmas Eve and eating Chinese for lunch on Christmas day. Things just aren't quite the same.

I now have a deeper appreciation of the meaning of Christmas (thanks in part to Dan Golding's epic text message), but even that isn't too special as it's more of a year-round thing for me. TV lost it's appeal long ago, lack of practice means my sister's guitar is joyless, and there's only so many sweets I can eat when I'm not even hungry. For the first time this break revision was actually pretty appealing. It's not that it's been a bad day by any means, it's just, well, different. I remember leaving my cousin's house last year - with the massive family in a massive house with a massive TV and a massive quantity of food - and the lyrics 'There Must Be More Than This' came into my head. And I couldn't really think of a better way to put it to be honest.

But it's in this mediocrity that I've seen how other people have faced their Christmases. I heard from one friend who received nothing, said that their dad was going to take the presents they gave him to a charity shop, and had the first meeting with their mother in many many months cancelled at the last minute. I read a blog entry about a guy I used to know really well, who when I left London was recovering from alcoholism, but now is a complete mess. Another guy I knew from London, whom I saw only last week in his nice new apartment, was in immense physical pain as we spoke on the phone today, him sitting alone in his apartment and telling me not to ask the obvious festive question as the answer would be that he wasn't. Finally I think too of the guy from my Church who I had lunch with the other day, whose wife has extremely severe cancer, meaning they face the pain of great uncertainty of what is going on, where it will will lead and what it will be like.

And it makes me realise, I take so much for granted.

New beginnings

Although being in the education system has its downsides (before my recent break I'd done 7 years straight of exams) there are also many upsides. One is that there always seems to be the potential for a new start and to make changes. Of course we have 'New Year', but you're off for a day and then back and nothing is really any different. But with these first 20 or so years of your life there's a great big break every so often, with lots of opportunities to take hold of, meaning lives seem to alter greatly every summer, not to mention throughout the rest of the year.

And so as I approach my last year in full-time education there is another chance to look back on the summer, the past year and on changes in general, but also to look forward and think about what could be and where this next year (and the rest of my life) might lead.

So over the next few days I'll have a look back and then a little look forward of what I think this year (or so) might look like.

Something a little less ordinary

I see today that a 'heavy metal monk' has released his second album.

The story makes for an interesting read, and I've got to say that there are bits where I think "Really? How can you do that?". However, I really appreciated the last few lines.

The story concludes by saying:
"While Brother Cesare always wears his traditional brown robe and sandals as a reminder that he has chosen a life of devotion to God, he is keen to distinguish established religion from faith, and from proselytising."

I think a lot of people looking in from the outside really don't appreciate this, and this is often the Christian's fault. The hear about the rules and regulations of religion, but not the abundant life that comes from faith in and relationship with God.

My Facebook 'religious views' says "turn and live", and this is a paraphrase of the conclusion of Ezekiel 18 (the whole chapter is definitely worth a read). And whilst some 'evangelicals' will say that this sounds very liberal, it is the essence of the gospel. All we need to do is live out the fact that to have true life, fulfilling life, you can only do so if you are in relationship with God and have belief in the Christ, and all that comes as a result of that.

Or as Brother Metal puts it:
"I do it to convert people to life, to understand life, to grab hold of life, to savour it and enjoy it. Full stop."

Not again... something needs to change

It's been a very interesting week so far with lots going on. Today I've been able to catch up with my cousin, who's coming to the end of his training before going into full service for the fire brigade. It's always good to catch up with people you haven't spoken to and this was no exception.

However, as we walked down the road to the pub, across the road there was a police van, a couple of police and tape cordoning off the street. We went in and sat down, and watched as an ambulance left, as more police arrived and as over a dozen police conducted an interview with reporters. It was obvious what had happened.

It's crazy, it really is. I don't understand it. I don't understand how people can wish to cause harm to other people, whatever the circumstances. But, whilst everyone will condemn what has happened, the trouble is that the seeds of it are demonstrated all around us. People just don't care about others, unless there is something in return for them. Cars/bikes go through red lights, because their convenience is more important than others' safety. Individuals gossip about those they know that have made a mistake or acted wrongly, because they want to be the centre of attention. Others will turn to petty crime like jumping on buses for free, taking stuff from work, or throwing their rubbish on the street, because they know they won't get caught, or they think it doesn't affect anyone.

I've heard politicians speak endlessly about how we're going to 'beat gun and knife crime'. I've been to many prayer meetings which seek to ask for an end to the violence. I've even heard politicians speak at prayer meetings and lift their prayers for an end to it all.

But this is just it. We don't get it. We want a quick fix. We want to roll out a policy, announce an amount of money that's been spent, a number of police officers that have been deployed. Or we want to spend a few hours saying prayers, asking God to intervene, seeking a divine stoppage to these atrocities. I believe policy can work, I also believe strongly that prayer works, but I also believe that this society is scarred, that it is fallen, and that the only way to bring healing to it is to live out God's standards - Kingdom values - and to change this society from its very core.

We need to start with ourselves, the choices we make and, much more than that, what our character, our essence, our very being is. When we change our heart, our actions will follow. Galatians 5:22-23 says that when we change our inner desires our life will be one of "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control". That's what we need to bring about a revolution within this society. Only when we all do this, and it becomes not a chore, but the natural thing for us to do, will society begin to mend. Only then will these scenes of police officers, cars and tape be a thing of the past.

And I can't wait.

Why the name?

Thought it'd be good of me to explain the title of this blog.

The main title essentially describes how I'm trying to work out and uncover what is true in life. Truth is everywhere and it's just waiting to be discovered. I recently read a book called 'Velvet Elvis' by Rob Bell. In it, amongst other things, he speaks of how if he sees truth anywhere he'll claim it for himself. Writing as a Christian, he believes that Christ is the way, the TRUTH and the life, and yet he describes how he can look at, for example, the practices of some groups of Muslims in Turkey (rather than getting a mortgage they build their homes bit by bit to avoid accumulating debt) and claim that 'truth' for himself. God created this world and is in this world, he figures, and so truth isn't limited to just what the Christians say, what Church says, or even what the Bible says, but can be found in the world around us. So this blog is an attempt to seek out truth in the world, and I'd like it if you can join in too, by commenting on my posts.

The sub-title perhaps needs more explanation. Let me say first of all that this isn't an announcement that I have a terminal illness. It's inspired by many thoughts I've had over the last year or so. Firstly, I remember seeing the title of a song by Muse, 'Thoughts of a dying atheist', and wondering how much those thoughts would differ from those of a dying Christian. Would the Christian have more of a sense of hope, or one of confusion, as to why this was happening to them? How would I feel if I was dying?

But this phrase has taken on a whole new meaning to me. Since I became a Christian, in the true sense of the word, (when I was 17/18) I've been learning more and more about who God is, who the man called Christ who walked the earth was, and what God wants for and from me. I've learnt of his love, of his forgiveness, of his mercy, but whilst some seem to say that all you need to do in life is believe, I see in the gospels and in the books that follow that being a Christian was, and is, much more than this. To be a Christian, you have to die. Now for some this has meant physical death as a result of their choice to follow Christ. But for all it means 'dying to the sinful nature' (i.e. stopping doing the things that are not good, are not what God intended), turning around, and living in God's ways. Death was implied by Jesus when he said "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me", as the cross was what Jesus carried on the way to his execution. So what does it mean to die in this sense? And what does it cost me? The important answer to this comes from Paul, a man claiming to have had a vision of Jesus after his death (one that made Paul blind, and caused a massive humbling and about-turning in his life). In one of the letters Paul wrote to the early Christians, many of which made it into the Bible, he says "For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain". But I want a deeper sense of what this 'death' means. Am I dying? Am I dying as I write this? Was I dying this morning but then made a few choices which brought me 'back to life'?

So it is from these thoughts that I start this blog, in the hope that this search for truth by a (sometimes) dying Christian will bring me, and maybe others, something closer to an answer.

Hasn't it all been said already?

Entering my 22nd year, I've been moved to start up one of these things. I've often thought people who maintain these kind of sites must be a bit arrogant, writing their blog for all to see, as though what they say is so important; what can they possibly say that can be so interesting? Well I guess I still believe that to some extent, but over the last few years I have come to one realisation that enables me to transcribe my thoughts here without feeling as though I'm being excessively cocky.

I've come to realise that there doesn't come a point when you are a certified 'life expert', a time when you have made the grade and assume the right to live life making correct choices. I first realised this when I reached 18. For me, when I was growing up 18 looked like the age of enlightenment: your parents had all the necessary experience and knew everything; authors of books, people on TV and all the others expressing their point of view knew all the facts about how things really were; and, well, all the laws and social norms were in place because of their self-evident correctness and completeness. The level of understanding that produced and sustained all this would in turn be obtained by me on my transition into adulthood.

Hitting 18 made me realise that, actually, I was no different from when I was 17, 16, maybe even a growing 10-year-old. Of course things had changed with regards to my levels of maturity and understanding, but essentially I was no more qualified to make perfect decisions than I ever had been. I was quickly learning that things aren't 'black and white'. This isn't to say that I buy into the notion that every opinion is equally valid and whatever anyone says is true ('post-modernism' I believe you call it if you are quite pretentious, or at least something to do with that). I believe truth is there and can be found in any and every situation, but it will most likely be grey.

Anyway, that's my justification for starting this blog, to add my perception on what the true shade of grey in life is. We all have a valuable contribution to make in this search and so, whilst I hope you enjoy my take, maybe you can also chip in with what shade you think it is.